2005 Laughing Stalk archives

December 2005 I Already Said I Would (The diamond industry is undermining the sanctity of marriage.) I Don't Believe In The Little Drummer Boy (A Laughing Stalk tradition: A reprint of my gripes about "The Little Drummer Boy.") Learning to Fly (I tried to learn to fly when I was four years old.) Validation! I Crave Validation! (I triumph over those people who thought I wasn't funny.) Is this a 'Misguided Column'? (The top 10 list of Politically inCorrect Words and Phrases, according to the Global Language Monitor.)

November 2005 Our Marriage Vows Didn't Mention This (Finding a common middle ground in deciding who has to change the poopy diapers.) Okay, So Now What? (A follow-up to my dating advice from October) 'Twas the Month Before Christmas (The Laughing Stalk tradition continues!) Just Don't Call Me "Deferred Funny" (Apparently a teacher in England wanted to replace the word "failure" with "deferred success.")

October 2005 I Knew That (Diary of a Know-It-All) What About Cootchie Cootchie Coo? (Apparently it's against a baby's human rights to look at them.) Will You... Uhh... Do You Want To... (Dating advice from a former semi-geek for other semi-geeks.) Now Isn't THAT Ironic? (Irony is NOT the Alanis Morrissette song.)

September 2005 You Think YOUR Road Trips Are Long? (A one-sided conversation in a pioneer family.) I'll Just Take the Bus Instead (The GPS companies need to create personalities for their GPS systems. Here are a few of my ideas.) I Can Even Use a Power Saw (I've gotten pretty handy over the years.) Yeah? Well, I DOUBLE Dare You! (I didn't know how to trash talk when I was a kid.) WARNING: Top Secret Column (How does one go about applying to be a spy?)

August 2005 Gourmet Cooking for Guys (Guys can learn how to cook. Includes a special recipe just for Laughing Stalk readers!) How Does He Feel About Stunt Doubles? (A newspaper(!) columnist thinks writers are unnecessary in today's Hollywood.) You've Got a Thing Hanging. . . (A friend will ignore a piece of spinach caught in your teeth, a good friend will tell you about it.) Lord of the Fish (Before there was "Lost," before "Survivor," and after "Gilligan's Island," I went to the Canadian Wilderness.)

July 2005 Riots at Real Estate Agencies? (Great excuses for why California should avoid rolling blackouts) Tater Toilers In a Tizzy Over Term (British potato farmers don't like the term "couch potato") What Would You Like to Pummel Today? (Computers: Can't live with them, can't heave them out the window) What About 'Idea Faucets?' (The secrets to successful relationships) Confessions of a Bartender (A letter of apology to my former patrons)

June 2005 The Crack of the Bat, the Roar of the Children (A one-sided conversation between me and my kids at a baseball game) Man Jewelry Dos and Don'ts (Mostly Don'ts) (There's just something about man jewelry that's just. . . wrong) I'm 266 in Dog Years (My birthday date is lame when it comes to celebrity birthdays.) I'm Sorry, Were You Saying Something? (The secrets to successful relationships)

May 2005 Tips for the Newly Married Guy (There are several secrets married Guys need to know) Snakes Have Feelings To, You Know! (I hate snakes, even Canadian garter snakes) Do You Have a Red Pen Instead? (My high school German finally paid off) What About a Truck That Runs on Daisies? (My secret shame: I used to own a pick-up AND an SUV.)

April 2005 Don't Bogart the Pointy Rocks (It turns out, being "stoned" in Biblical times wasn't related to drugs. Who knew?) Extra! Extra! Journalists Sometimes Lie! (We do? Why didn't anyone tell me?!) Adventures in Vegetarian Taxidermy (I think there really is a vegetarian taxidermist somewhere, although not quite like this) Excuuuuse Me! (Can you imagine a burp being the world's loudest noise?) Ramblings of My Two-Year-Old Son (My son is just like a little tiny person)

March 2005 Education of a Construction Klutz (I wasn't always this handy) Guy Injuries: Fact or Fiction? (A Guy would never lie about how he got hurt. Would he?) Love Letter Marketing 101 (Even love letters can use a little marketing boost now and then.)

February 2005 Diary of a Flu (A day in the life of a sick humor writer) Punctuation Sticklers Unite (Why do people hate us punctuation sticklers? We're just trying to make them better!) I'm Still No Good at Basketball (My 7th grade gym teacher hated me) Nagging Concerns and Self-Doubt in Indiana (My tribute to gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson)

January 2005 Freeze! This is a hoagie! (Sandwiches are considered dangerous in prison) You Know, It's Just. . . "It" (A yet-unseen episode of American Idol) A Columnist's Milestone (MY 500TH COLUMN!!) Will There Be a Lord of the Dance Ride? (Public television is opening their own theme park)