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You Want Me to What Your WHAT?!
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
There's a great scene in "Monty Python's Life of Brian" where Stan (a man) announces to his fellow members of the People's Front of Judea that he wants to be a woman, ". . . because I want to have babies."
"But you can't have babies," declares Reg, the PFJ's leader.
"Don't you oppress me!" shouts Stan, who also wants to be called Loretta.
"I'm not oppressing you, Stan -- you haven't got a womb. Where's the fetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?"
It's one of the funniest moments in the entire movie, and I laugh every time I think about it. Can you imagine a man who wants to be a woman just so he can have babies? Everyone knows that men don't have the plumbing to become pregnant.
Uhh, everyone DOES know that, right?
You'd think so, but apparently everyone DOESN'T know that.
According to a story in the London Daily Telegraph, this important piece of information has completely escaped an unnamed 34-year-old British man. He asked a doctor for a cervical cancer screening (also known as a "pap smear"), but the doctor refused on the grounds that men don't have a cervix. The patient lodged his complaint two years ago, after the doctor refused to put him on a recall list for cervical screening.
Apparently, the Exeter Primary Care Trust, which is part of England's National Health Service, didn't know men don't have a cervix either.
Once again proving that HMOs are a really bad idea, and that bureaucrats should not make medical decisions, the PCT has summoned the doctor to a formal hearing over his refusal to perform the exam. However, in an attempt to be more patient friendly, the PCT did agree to the patient's request to be re-registered with a female name.
British National Health Service officials will not reveal either of the patient's names, although they categorically deny that it's Michael Jackson.
Regardless of who it is, I'll die a happy man if his new name turns out to be "Loretta."
The PCT also issued a statement saying "Loretta" has asked for a number of "complex issues" to be reviewed concerning his care and treatment by "Doctor Reg."
"In this instance a range of issues are being considered, and the hearing is not solely about the availability of cervical screening."
A spokesman for the PCT also told the Telegraph, "We have received a complaint as you described and as required, under the NHS complaints procedure, we are investigating along with other complaints from the individual."
Other complaints?! You mean "Loretta" had other problems the doctors refused to address? Like what, painful cramping and menopause?
Although "Loretta" has fathered a child, he believes he is a hermaphrodite (people who have both male and female genitalia). However, doctors have examined him and can find no evidence of "spare parts."
"Loretta" has also requested full DNA testing and a blood toxicology screening, although he will not say what, if any, symptoms he has to justify the tests.
One of "Doctor Reg's" colleagues said he was "worried that the PCT is so falling over backwards to be patient friendly, that it has gone too far the other way. Silly things are starting to happen."
According to the BBC's website, "Loretta's" claims will be heard at a closed hearing, and will have an independent chairman who will sit with "lay members" in deciding the doctor's fate. (I'll let you make your own jokes about the committee membership.)
Although no one mentioned what possible decisions the committee will reach, one can only hope they will agree that performing a cervical examination on a man is not only unnecessary, but quite impossible.
The wife of one of the other doctors told The Telegraph that her husband would be "pleased to hear from anyone, medical or otherwise, who could teach him the correct way to carry out a cervical smear on a 34-year-old male.
She also offered a compromise that could put this entire situation behind them. She suggested that "Doctor Reg" perform the requested procedure, assuming a PCT representative could "indicate the necessary part of this gentleman's anatomy, and (is) able to give the learned medics a clue as how they could access it."
I'm no doctor, but I think they could probably access it through the same general area where the PCT keeps their brains.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of April 4th, 2003)
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A Horse Walks Into a Bar. . .
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting an old column in the hopes that no one will notice.
As a humor writer, I am an aficionado of nearly all types of humor, and I can think of a joke for anything. Whether it's how many National Rifle Association members it takes to change a light bulb ("You can have my light bulb when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers") to thoughts about Communism (Karl Marx's grave is just another Communist plot), you can count on me for a joke about any topic of conversation.
I love jokes about dogs, marriage, quantum physics, and even Knock-knock jokes. I have dozens of pages of light bulb jokes and viola jokes. I can tell jokes about Nobel Prize winners, Popes, guys named Bubba, or the difference between golfers and skydivers (one says "Whack! Oh crap!" the other says "Oh crap! Whack!").
However, I can't stand racist humor, jokes about tragedies, or political jokes where the teller fills in the blank with a political party they don't like. The biggest problem with political jokes -- besides the fact that they get elected (ba-dum ching!) -- is that they've been recycled over and over for hundreds of years.
"In 1836, the wife of newly-elected president Martin van Buren was walking down the street when she saw a boy selling puppies. She asked the boy what kind of puppies they were, and he answered 'They're Democratic puppies.' The next week, President van Buren is walking down the street, sees the same boy, and asks the same question. 'They're Whig puppies,' answers the boy. 'But last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies,' President van Buren said. 'Yes,' said the boy. 'But this week they opened their eyes'."
I've heard that one at the start of every new presidential term since 1976. It wasn't funny then, and it's not funny now. If you ever feel inclined to tell me that joke, do me a favor: don't.
When my oldest daughter was four, she learned how to tell jokes by watching "Zoboomafoo," a kid's nature show on public television. At the end of each show, Zoboo the talking lemur would tell painfully corny jokes to the hosts (What does a chicken say when it lays a square egg? "Ouch!"). My daughter would then repeat the joke over and over until I ran screaming from the room. But she was undeterred, and soon moved on to Knock-knock jokes.
Her: Knock-knock.
Me: Who's there?
Her: Panther.
Me: Panther who?
Her: Panther no panth, I'm going thwimming. (Pants or no pants, I'm going swimming)
Recognizing a great talent in one so young, I decided to teach my little Henny Youngman one of my favorite Knock-knock jokes.
Knock-knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting co--
MOO!
Maybe it's because I had been drinking for several hours when I first heard that joke, but I thought it was the funniest thing ever and it's held a special place in my heart ever since. I decided to teach it to my first child, and carry on the tradition, but without the beer.
As you may have guessed, there are several difficulties in teaching an advanced joke to a four-year-old, the least of which is timing. So I delivered a ten minute lecture on the subtle nuances of Knock-knock jokes, what an interruption was, and when exactly was the perfect moment to deliver the punchline.
But my daughter was a trooper. She took to telling this joke as easily as Mozart played the piano. She told it dozens of times, to the same people, often in the same sitting. And she went on to develop her own version of the joke to include dogs, cats, chickens, roosters, and even a pig, never realizing that it was just the same joke with a different animal.
My little stand-up comic has even taken to making up her own jokes. Unfortunately, these are usually made up on the spur of the moment, and incorporate some part of the room where she is sitting.
Her: Daddy, why did the chicken go to school?
Me: I don't know.
Her: Uhhhh. . . . because the family was eating their dinner.
But I don't mind. There's nothing more gratifying to a father to see his young daughter trying to develop her own style of humor and make other people laugh. And it's with that thought that I encourage all parents to remember: when dealing with a young child learning the basics of joke telling, be sure to--
MOO!
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Erik Deckers
(published week of April 11th, 2003)
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An Alternative to Corporal Punishment
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
I was never a big fan of spankings in school, mostly because I was on the receiving end (no pun intended). But I've always wondered if the discipline problems in schools can be directly linked to the elimination to corporal punishment.
Don't get me wrong. I don't believe teachers should be allowed to paddle children. Regardless of the liability issues, no one else should be allowed to spank another parent's child. But it seems that one teacher is taking the alternative too far.
She's suing a 13-year-old student for running into her.
According to a March 29 story in the Camden (New Jersey) Courier-Post (Official Motto: What the #&*@! are you lookin' at?!), second-grade teacher Eileen Blau is suing Daniel Allen because he "negligently and carelessly" collided with her at an "excessive rate of speed" on April 11, 2001.
Daniel was 11 years old at the time, and weighed about 90 pounds.
Blau says the injuries cost her money for medical care, and curtailed her normal activities. She claims to have suffered "severe and multiple injuries, some of which are permanent in nature."
News reports did not describe Blau's personal injuries or say what her normal activities involved, but if she goes around suing little kids, one might assume it involves broomsticks and boiling cauldrons. I could be wrong though.
According to Daniel's mom, Stacy Allen, the school's principal assured her the incident was accidental. Daniel was running to catch the school bus to go home. He told reporters that he had cried in the principal's office the following day when he found out Blau was hurt.
"I'm sorry I ran into her," Daniel said. "I don't think she should be suing me. I didn't want to hurt anybody. It was an accident."
Stacy also said Blau had filed a claim with the Allen's insurance company for her injuries in the fall of 2001, several months after the incident. She also said her insurance company said the claim had not been settled.
Stacy said she never told her son about what Blau had done with the insurance company, or the claims she made. However, that all came to an end when a Camden County sheriff's deputy served Daniel with a summons on a Wednesday morning.
I can't blame Blau entirely. I'd be pretty upset if I were injured, and my my medical bills had gone unpaid for two years. However, I wouldn't sue a 13-year-old kid over it, I'd go after the insurance company. What does she get if he wins? His Pokemon cards and the Victoria's Secret catalog collection hidden under his mattress?
While students will think nothing of suing teachers over poor grades, class rankings, or failure to make the cheerleading squad, the idea of teachers suing students is completely new. Steven Baker, a spokesman for the 162,000 member New Jersey Education Association, said "I've never heard of a situation like this before. I assume it is quite uncommon."
"I think it's terrible that a teacher can sue a student," said Stacy. "Maybe he should not have been running in the hall, but I think it was an accident. When you send a kid off to school, you expect him to be supervised and taken care of. You never expect a teacher to sue a child for running into her."
So who's fault is this? Sure, Daniel is to blame because he was running when he shouldn't have, but it wasn't intentional. That's why they're called "accidents."
But shouldn't Blau shoulder some of the burden? Like being aware of her surroundings, and knowing she was on a collision course with a 90-pound dynamo who frequently travels at "an excessive rate of speed?" Or maybe she should have used her authority and not allowed kids to run in the halls in the first place? Or did this happen outside, where kids usually run, and never worry about plowing into each other, let alone a lawsuit-happy educator? If that's the case, she shouldn't be surprised this even happened.
Regardless, Blau was someone who dedicated herself to shaping the lives of young children, and now she has decided to sue them instead. If anything, I think Blau should be ashamed for bringing a lawsuit, and should receive a swift and harsh punishment for it.
Like writing "I will not sue young children" on the blackboard 5000 times.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of April 18th, 2003)
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Can I Hold Up My Finger Instead?
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2003
When there are people in this world who don't have any food, electricity, or decent medical care, you have to wonder whether some people's priorities are askew.
Take Judy Kleinberg, a member of the Palo Alto (California) City Council. According to a recent story in the San Jose Mercury News, she developed a code of conduct manual for council meetings, and wanted to prohibit rude body language. So, no more head-shaking, frowning, or eye-rolling.
Just like everyone else who read this story, my first reaction was -- of course -- to roll my eyes. I then shook my head and muttered, "What a moron!" Obviously, none of this would be allowed if I were a member of the Palo Alto City Council, but I'm not, so . . . NEENER NEENER NEENER!
Something tells me that Kleinberg isn't creating a code of conduct as much as she's protecting herself. I'm guessing that she's been on the receiving end of more than one eye-rolling, and finally decided to do something about it. Of course, this has been a campaign issue since 1999, when she spoke out against the city council's "dysfunctional politeness" on her website.
Since the council has been known to argue -- unlike every other democratically elected organization in the world -- one of Kleinberg's committees drafted 44 rules of behavior, including the now-infamous eye-rolling rule. She also told reporters that she doesn't want anyone saying "Oh my gosh!" while someone else is speaking.
However, according to a later story in the Mercury News, the PACC received so much worldwide news coverage and hundreds of angry e-mails that they agreed decided to drop the proposed guidelines.
Once again, our country's First Amendment -- and the inalienable right to roll our eyes whenever anyone says or does anything stupid -- has been protected.
Speaking of rolling one's eyes at stupid things, it seems those wacky vegetarians at PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) are making yet another contribution to worldwide idiocy. This time, they've made an offer to Hamburg, New York: Change your name to Veggieburg, and we'll give you $15,000.
PETA is also known for promoting "Got beer?" campaigns to minors, asking the NFL's Green Bay Packers to change their name to the "Pickers," or asking Fishkill, New York to change their name to Fishsave (never mind that "kill" is the Dutch word for "stream).
Now they're whining about the fact that Hamburg's name is associated with delicious, juicy, lip-smacking ground beef patties. So they offered $15,000 worth of bland and tasteless vegetarian patties to area schools instead.
"The town's name conjures up visions of unhealthy patties of ground-up dead cows," said PETA spokesman Joe Haptas in a letter to Hamburg Supervisor Patrick Hoak. "So we want to offer something gastronomically repulsive to your children."
Okay, he didn't really say that last part.
However, it's ironic that Haptas says "Hamburg" makes people think of dead cows, since one could argue that the name "PETA" conjures up the image of pasty-white, anemic hippies who shout animal rights slogans until they become weak from the effort.
Upon receiving the faxed letter, Hoak immediately rolled his eyes, which caused Judy Kleinberg to bang her gavel at him. He then declined and said "With all due respect, I think (hamburgers are) a delicacy in our community. We're proud of our name and proud of our heritage."
If the name "Hamburg" conjures images of anything, it's the city in Germany that bears the same name, not chopped up beef with a slice of onion and pickle on it. (And don't forget the cheese!)
Although if PETA wrote the history books, they would have us believe the Hamburg City Council was sitting around in a meeting in 1812, deciding whether to name the town "Hamburg," "Veal Cutletsville," or "Baby Venison Surprise."
"Our offer is serious as a heart attack," Haptas said ungrammatically.
While you have to admire PETA's dedication to animal welfare, they have all the sensitivity and tact of a 4-year-old yelling "Who farted?!" in a crowded room. As a result, PETA has a habit of getting a lot of people mad at them, and are in danger of becoming nothing more than a parody of their original efforts.
Instead, they should focus their efforts on more serious matters, like the deforestation of the northern part of Canada's Yukon Territory. As a form of protest, PETA members should travel up to the Yukon and chain themselves to remote trees to prevent more indiscriminate logging.
All of them.
Immediately.
And take Judy Kleinberg with you.
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Erik Deckers
(published week of April 25th, 2003)
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